little thing about me

13/08/2023

It has been a while, since I stop expressing my feeling into words. hopefully, this blog will stop a future me for a while and flex back to what I’ve been becoming.

It is tough, both physically and mentally, I have always come back home exhausted with zero energy and the only thought which was running through my mind was to survive until the sunrise.

I think a lot at night but turn out it has becoming my comfort zone. sometime, I wish that all of the things which was happening in my life were just a dream because there were so many things keep happening around me, It was so hard to just accept and get thorough it, but cheer to me, i went thru all of that.

I swear this is not easy, there were time when I keep thinking about ended me but I’m glade I don’t abandon me…

LIFE GO ON, I keep counting my own steps, and make sure it never went back to the same old place.

No specific reason is a good diary to begin.

17/08/2023

Night thinker

It is 12:00 Am, Suppose to drown in a deep sleeping but i was here noting down all of my feelings.

Insomnia me, not everyday is my bad day. It was so good, i wake up early in the morning, follow all of my to do list , get up , follow my own rule, healing, challenging and yeah it is call self-love.

Lately, i was hurting and trying to act strong. I’ve been thinking about all of things that i have gone thru. Maybe all of that was my fault. No, neither me or him/her. we are not at fault, we are just trying to solve this adult stuffs.

With some part of me, nobody can understand, i do not understand me too. Someday, i get up with purpose in life. And someday, i don’t even have the energy to just move.

I’ve been fighting with myself every day, I don’t know how many different part of the girl is in me. they are talking to me, questioning me, laughing at me , and yet i only focus on this girl whom always keep me company and give me strength to just believe in me. She’s adorable.

Night time has becoming my routine. Overthinking, anxiety ohhh all together, all of the negative thoughts, i call it ugly demon, go away go away.

I feel like I am not enough I feel like I am someone to be blamed I feel like I am no longer me I feel like I am good at nothing I feel like I am no good to my parents I feel like I am no good to my brother I feel like I am not a good friends to my friend and all of that make me hating myself even harder. I can’t even be me now so what I am no good.

13/12/2019 8:35

Why I distanced myself from others.

Not about I dislike or I have any problems with them, but yeah that also counts. I might have a problem with them but that’s not the only reason. Sometimes I just feel like it’s not where I belong to that group of people I feel like I don’t fit in. I feel like I’m not enough for them, not enough to hang out or to be around them, and sometimes I feel like that they are the one who’s not enough for me. It’s like my mind was telling me that they have no place, no right to stand next to me at all.

I don’t know if it’s them or me but I never wanted the answer, I chose the solution instead. Instead of trying to figure out what’s the reason, I chose to stay away from them instead. Between me and them, we’re still friends but in any fun time or any occasion, you wouldn’t find me there. It’s not that bad to keep your distance or to isolate yourself from them. It teaches you a lot, what it’s like to be alone, what it’s like to solve a problem on your own, and the most important thing is it teaches you to stand strong on your own. But not everything is good. Even sometimes I cry silently for help but no one came because they never heard it. I never asked for help from anyone, my problem just seems to solve by itself. That’s when I realize that I’m enough to stay alone, I’m enough to walk this road on my own.

Even in a relationship, I would preferred a long distance relationship over a face-to-face. It’s not that I don’t want to be with them or anything, it just I don’t know if I’m good enough to be with them. I love them, but I myself don’t even know who I am, so why do I have the right to love them? Even my friend, they would still want me to be around them (hopefully) but I don’t have the urge to be like that.

To all my friends and lovers, it’s not that you’re wrong or you’re not good enough, it’s me. I chose to distance myself from you not because I don’t like you. It’s because I know that I’m not good enough for you to like me. But to the people that I hate, I don’t have to stay away from you, you won’t even have the urge to look at me in the eye. Because to me, you are never enough, not enough but lower than that.

#prokprach

30/06/2019

You can’t always have a good-day.

But you can face a bad day with good-attitude.

04/06/2019

Juvenile want to grow up as a teen.

Teens want to grow up as an adult.

Adults want to go back to juvenile.

So do I .

When time flies we often flash back to the good old time. Sometimes we might laugh or even cry because of the touching memories that you had made. But we can’t deny or going back to change or make it last longer .

“Let the time decide everything ” when I said I let it go I mean I will let go of the thing I no longer can control.not a pessimist but want to overcome my fear,a fear of losing.

When time comes , it’s happened. No matter how hard I try to avoid it. It happened. I think I can overcome my fear but my fear seem to haunted me every time that I no longer want to think of it . So I escape, I escape from every where , stupid? , it’s help me quit well.

02/06/2019

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton